Retro Review #1 - Resident Evil: PS1 Original!

Too the internet society of Twitch TV, I am here to deliver my first blog with plenty of typos and horrible grammer - I feel it adds character, hopefully you do too. Just a couple of side notes before we delve into this review, this is from what I've seen, the entire blog is from my point of view - This doesn't mean I'm right or wrong, it's just how I feel. Secondly, if you are offended by the words shit, fuck, ass, anus, dick, cock shmuck dildo dick fuck, or any other profanities, you should stop now - I guess if you're still reading this then shit cock dildo dick fuck anal cum dumpster nuggets!

Incase you couldn't read in the title or you didn't give two flying fucks about reading the damn thing, I'll be looking over the original Resident Evil for the playstation. Diving into a classic from the golden age of gaming, I went in with the anticipation of suspense and fear - At the end, I was left with a giant grin of satisfaction. To this point, I've only played the Jill Valentine part of the game - so this is what I came away with.

Firstly, fuck man, JOSSSSEEEEEPH sums up the opening - Who hired these shitty HBO porn rejects? Sweet seamen of dear little fucking baby Moses, the acting in Lord of the G-Strings was better than that opening scene of drama and suspense. On the plus side, holy shit what a comedic gold mine - Cammy, I mean Jill Valentines lowly pornstar counterpart yelling out the infamous "JOOOOOOOSEEEEEEEEEEPH!" with a stern uncaring gaze as that poor bastard was torn appart might be the funniest intro I've ever had the privilege of commentating on. Aside from the dead Joseph and the aforementioned Cammy Valentine, the game cast also consists of Barry Burton and his mother fucking beard, Duke Nukem, the Wendy's mascot, and Chris Bolder Breaking Redfield. Note Chris and Jill are the only two playable characters in the game, and for beginners, I would suggest Jill as she has multiple advantages over Chris. If you feel like a bad ass and you want the best the game has to offer, well shit, go break some god damn boulders.

So we start off with a S.T.A.R.S member - Cammy running from Cujo into the Adam's Family mansion scared shitless yet looking like she doesn't have a god damn care in the world that Joseph was eaten alive - What a heartless bitch! From the awesome intro, we learned S.T.A.R.S was sent to the mansion to explore the unexplained cannibalistic deaths that are occurring in Racoon City. You basically go around exploring the Umbrella Mansion finding out that they've been experimenting on test subjects using the T-Virus. Somehow there was a leak in the lab and the T-Virus infection spread throughout the mansion causing people to turn into zombies and other crazy shit fucks. So you explore around the mansion while fucking up zombies and occassionally run into Barry every now and then who provides you with ribbon, bullets, and health along the way. You can also find these items throughout the mansion - Apparently people on the shitter felt it was necessary to make sure a box of ammo was always near the bathtub for situations like this!

The game itself breaks down to three parts. The first was an easy mode of sorts with the zombies which I found difficult at first; however, as the game progressed; I found them a more welcomed site. Then there is part two - This features the dildo dick fuck cock shmuck god damn titty twat balls busting blue waffle looking Hunters. These sons of a bitch don't fuck around - They can kill you in 1 shot and holy shit are they hard to kill. After exploring the outside of the mansion and completing the objectives, these god damn heartless pieces of shit come at you without any mercy as you enter back into the mansion. There are also rabid zombie dogs and angry zombie birds, some weird hissing zombie snakes, a random ass shark known as Neptune, some oversized spiders, and naked zombies who have mutilated crotches. You encounter the naked ass zombies in the third stage of the game. Without spoiling too much, you end up fighting a boss who is lightly hinted at throughout this work of art if you bothered to read the studies the scientists left throughout the mansion. 

I found the thought process in this game to be satisfying. There was enough comedy to keep the game from feeling one noted, yet enough of the horror, suspense, and thrill you'd expect in a survival horror game. The detail of the game is remarkable given it was released in '96. There is a wide variety of thoughtful puzzles, a great arsenal of weapons, and perhaps the most well written story I've seen in a game. I found the combination of voice overs and written script to be well balanced. The writing in general was brilliant - A solid mix of comedy, a serious undertone of studies, and the occasional, oh fuck my life, I'm going to encounter this shit was more entertaining then an aids infested pornstar playing LoL( No kids, thats not laugh out loud). The music in the game was great at times, yet other times I found it to be annoying. Certain underwhelming music compositions are overplayed in the game, yet there are brilliant nuggets of gold among this bronze sound track that captured my imagination. The graphics in general are beyond what you would expect from a playstation game - While I'm not huge on graphics, I found these to be pleasantly expressive and well modeled compared to the majority of the poly-shit stains you get on the PS1. The camera worked well in this game - in fact I only had issues with two areas which is overall impressive camera work to say the least. There are a lot of angle issues which were fixed with a good overhead fixed position - a lost camera shot I yearn for in most modern games.

Looking over the actual gameplay, the controls are something you need to adjust to. I never felt in complete control of Jill during the game. Sitting here, looking at my PS3 D-Pad, I think of UP as UP or North - RE gave relabeled it as Forward. Right, Left, and Down I've always felt are East, West, and South or Right, Left Down - RE would turn your character that was, then you needed to press the UP button to make them walk that way. I always found the down button to be lost in the shuffle in the grand scheme of the controls. It took a while to rework my mind and thumb into this mode. I know these controls were are considered 'good', though compared to Metal Gear Solid or Spyro, they lack in overall depth and speed making for a frustrating experience in parts of the game. The aiming in general was also slow and very strange. There wasn't any indications to where exactly you were aiming, so you just kinda aimed where you felt the shot would be - this made for headshots with the pistol to be luck based at best. I find you should just shoot the shit out the undead bastards, it's a better way to kill them and you can do is quicker than sitting there, trying to aim and oh fuck you've been bitten.

RE also requires you to manage the shit out of your resources. There were two issues I had with this. The first was the 8 limit inventory you had - While I find this charming and some what of an interesting idea, the fact I had to back track so much to get items from a chest and not know which items I'm going to need made this an absolute bullshit frustrating experience. Why can't you just have a fucking backpack you can carry key items around in. The most frustrating aspect of this game is having a full inventory and finding a mandatory item. You're left with these choices: Do you waste ammo/health supplies or do you say fuck it and back track for it later on? Sure, I understand you can't carry a lot if you're on the move, but explain to me how in the fuck you can't carry 9 items the size of a book, yet you can carry a rocket launcher, a colt, a shotgun, a pistol, two hand cranks, and 2 boxes full of ammo? What the fuck, does Jill have an oversized vagina that can carry any 8 items, yet it can only carry 8 items in total? Shit, maybe here fat fucking ass has eight compartments, yet you can't mix shit or fuck, her ass explodes everywhere. I mean holy fuck nuggets, where is she finding room for all this shit and not keys, a piece of paper with medicinal herb residue and ink ribbons.

Speaking of Ink Ribbons, dear fucking Abraham Lincoln and Colonel Sanders, who was the dumb ass who though it was a great idea to space saves out and limit the amount of saves you could actually have. The fact you have to find your own saves, they limit your saves, and seriously for a game that requires you to explore heavily infested enemy areas you have to back track through with serious item resource management - come the fuck on, what the fuck you heartless ass goblin piece of shit, FUCK YOU!!!

Anyway, RE is a game that really appealed to me, mostly in a positive light. It's a charming game worth playing through. The amount of detailed script writing, comical and suspense filled moments, and overall feeling; character; and flavor of the game found me wanting more - so much so I picked up RE 2 and 3. I would advise checking out the game - it's well worth the 5 bucks on the playstation network. I haven't played the director’s cut or the remakes of this game, so I can't comment on those; however, I've heard each has a mixed review of positives and negatives.

That's it for this review! If you have any comments, suggestions, or would like to just post something that no one is going to give two flying fucks about, feel free to so I can read them and improve on this project! Until next time you crazy bastards, have a good one.

- By the way, if you're itchy itchy scratchy scratchy, you're running a fever, suffering from necrosis, craving human flesh, making non sexual moans, and walking with your arms in the air while your feet are dragging, I’ll give you a hint - it's not LUPIS!